Book Review: Catnip, by Vyria Durav

Welcome to Venus, centuries post ecological collapse of Terra. Sol is the first of a polycule hoping to reclaim the ruins of a mad crypto-billionaire’s colony for their family, now that Venus is habitable thanks to centuries of terraforming left unchecked. What awaits Sol isn’t merely the series of technical puzzles he’s expecting, but an adventure of transformation, inside and out, that will reveal to themselves and the world the true heart of who they are.

Catnip is a long novella / short novel that is packed full of queer love, self discovery, pure joy of existing as one’s self, and a healthy dose of making fun of hyper-capitalism and techbros. I can say without reservation that it is my favorite thing I have read this year, and if you are in the mood for something that celebrates life, love, and a better future through compassion, stop reading now and go get this now!

The book is published by the author through itch.io, and while it has a few minor text errors, it is technically very sound and I didn’t find any spelling, grammar, or other errors that pulled me out of the story in the slightest. The story itself is a sweet sci-fi romance that doesn’t try to do anything crazy with the core of the genre, but instead treats you to a likeable and sympathetic protagonist that’s easy to root for, and an intriguing centuries old mystery told through found data in a very Fallout reminiscent way that I particularly enjoyed. Most importantly, Durav captures the pure joy of existence that reflects the joy I discovered when I finally found the courage and space to be who I was, instead of who I was told I was.

And cat shenanigans. So many cat shenanigans! I have read many stories that included catgirls, and I think this is the best when it comes to including smart, entertaining, in-story plausible cat tropes to the max. If you have spent any time around cats, in-person or on the internet, you will find yourself smiling and nodding repeatedly throughout this story.

Wait, you want story details? I haven’t sold you on it already? Okay, then. The story takes place about 300 years after humanity abandons an ecologically collapsing earth after putting in place reclamation projects to hopefully salvage humanity’s homeworld. The rich head towards their private off-world colonies while the poor shut themselves into hibernation pods to sleep the centuries away. Sol, our protagonist and primary viewpoint character, is a member of the latter group, an engineer landing on Venus to pave the way for his polycule to hopefully reclaim a failed Venusian colony. In the process, he discovers a lonely AI locked into her location and missing vital information about the colony. Sol lands, literally, into one of those blank spots when he crashes accidentally into a research lab and discovers that whatever he fell into is having incredible effects on his physiology. To find out what is happening to him, and what happened to the colony of Cryptopia (yes, really), he and the AI, Alexis (yes, really, I promise the names are no accident), discover the story of an out of control rich man with a god complex and the horrors of unchecked greed in contrast to the joy and support of connection with each other and the people who care about them.

The sci-fi felt neat and coherent and the only science-magic is introduced early and easily accepted, the world building is neat with some truly interesting ideas and some sharp cuts at current affairs, and the romance builds upon trust and mutual reliance. There’s one spicy love scene that does a beautiful job of putting the emotion and connection first and “tab a, slot b” details in the background.

I genuinely can’t recommend this highly enough. If you need a dose of sweet and light into a world that is increasingly feeling dark and hopeless, please give this a try. If you are someone looking to understand a trans friend or loved one or just the journey trans people go through internally before most people ever see a glimpse of the struggle, give this a try.

Thank you, Dear Reader, I hope you enjoy!

Cassandra

October 2022, Part 2: Marathon, not a sprint

Dear Reader,

I am alive! Exhausted, in pain, struggling somewhat with basic daily things like showering still, but alive.

I can tell I have never had surgery before. Only three weeks (Three!? It feels like months…) in and the constant mental refrain of “why do I still hurt?” is finally giving way to “oh, I just had major reconstructive work done, it’s a miracle I’m conscious as much as I am”. Hell, I’m only half way to the 6 week mark when I can finally expect the bleeding/discharge to finally (mostly) be done. I’m not even half-way to the point where my movement and lifting restrictions are removed (5 more weeks…). And I’ll still have some restrictions on activity until mid-January.

In the meantime, have a hectic day today and tomorrow as I prepare to leave for home after my last appointment tomorrow morning, so I’ll keep this one brief. Look for a new post hopefully this weekend once I’m home, which should include a book review! I read the loveliest novella during my recovery and I want to share it with you all!

Until then, Dear Reader!

Cassandra

October Update 1: Go time

Dear Reader,

I’m laying in bed as I type this on October 9th, 15 hours prior to my first major surgery. I have had nothing in my stomach for almost 16 hours except clear liquids, and the stomach has begun voicing complaints on the regular. My hope is to make another update once I’m out of surgery and coherent enough to string a few words.

There’s a sense of calm about me that I didn’t expect right now. I was planning on being practically paralyzed with anxiety at this point. Anxiety has been a constant companion up to yesterday morning as I dealt with paperwork and appointments and waiting for test results. At times the anxiety was paralyzing, and only through the encouragement and support of my friends and loved ones did I push through.

I thought I would be dying of anxiety at this point. Gender confirmation surgery has been the goal since I knew I was trans. I spent years trying alternatives that could be put on and taken off for convenience, but they never felt enough. Tucking was only ever a stop-gap that usually was more uncomfortable than it was worth due to either tape or tight gaffs. Soon, I’ll take the huge and permanent leap, and all those things will be in the past. All I’ll have to worry about is maxi pads.

And relearning how to pee.

And figuring out what’s where on my new anatomy. And possibly tampons. Douching, I almost forgot about that. Dilating multiple times a day, too. Oh, and getting to the point where what another person described as “the tightest tuck I’ve ever had” feels normal. Also, y’know, keeping wounds clean and not infected and not getting sick and other potential complications…

I should rightly be terrified out of my head. Instead, even after going over the list of everything that could go wrong, of everything I’m going to have to learn, re-learn, and un-learn, I’m sitting here calmly counting the hours and being mildly irritated at a cough that won’t quite go away and a stomach that’s rather annoyed it hasn’t had any solid food in almost a day.

Regardless of how things go tomorrow, I know this is the right choice. The only possible choice for me, really. Whatever comes after, I have a wonderful group of people to support me, and I will face those challenges as they come. Maybe that will change once I’m actually in the hospital. I don’t know. I do know that I’ll tell you about it on the other side of the operating table.

Stay well, dear Reader,

Cassandra

August 2022: Melting

Dear Reader:

August has passed, and it was a strange one. A delayed monsoon season here in the desert southwest meant a week of 110 degree days followed by a week of 90 degree days, and the rest of the month fluctuating in between while surprise storms pop up unexpectedly.

Life has been that way, too. The last few weeks have been periods of sporadic panic as paperwork popped up with short deadlines, juggling appointments, and clawing time for me to spend with people I love away from work. I’ve made more phone calls and texts to people I barely know in the past three weeks than I have at any point I can remember before. Thankfully, all this forced practice is lowering the social energy cost for me when interacting with doctor’s offices and the like. Yay, progress!

Writing has, miraculously, not been entirely sidelined. Mostly it’s taken the form of personal journaling that, while I haven’t been as consistent as I would like, I have at least kept up with it most days and the journaling has helped keep me sane through the stress.

As it stands, I’m still trying to get rid of a car. I have a couple of forms to send to the surgeon still, but they’re mostly filled out and ready to send. Packing list is started, and I have a couple of things to pick up for that, but I still have a month to get the things I need to order sent here. The rest will get picked up when I get to the hotel.

I’m hoping to get some reading done while I’m off work recovering, though whether I’ll have the focus for that through the painkillers is a big question mark. I’ll have my laptop with me, so writing isn’t entirely out of the question. Writing while on narcotics isn’t going to happen though. I expect the first week I’m out of the hospital I’m going to be sleeping more than anything.

Thank you for your time, Dear Reader,

Cassandra

July 2022: Oops, It’s August

Dear Reader,

July passed in a blur, and not necessarily a great one. The last two weeks were a blur of overtime both during the week and the weekends. Only one day off in the whole fourteen day period. The extra time was supposed to bolster my bank account and paid time off stash for my upcoming surgery. Instead, it all went to a car repair bill. Top it all off with a dash of depression and some bad behavior on my part that I wasn’t aware of until confronted with it, and last month was, well, painful.

I’ve spent the past week recovering and fretting in equal measure. The big surgery is now only 64 days away as I write this, and I’m freaking out a little bit to make sure my p’s are crossed and my q’s are dotted.

Thankfully, I’ve had a chance to take time for myself to read, and to at least return to journaling. Some things have improved over last month: my roommate is working steady hours, and may get promoted to full time soon, which will help with the financial problems. I’ve started my daily journaling again, and it’s both helping me release some stressful things from my mind and giving me some perspective on what’s been important to me recently.

At this point surgery is staring me in the face in only 60 days. It’s becoming the looming wall at the end of the road. Paperwork and payment are all due in the next few weeks. I’m stepping up hair removal (ouch) the next few weeks, too, in preparation, so this is going to be another expensive month. Luckily, I have supportive friends and loved ones, and potential for overtime the next couple of weeks.

I have one writing project I want to finish this month: a book review! I finished reading the first Paranormal Society Romance book, Kinship and Kindness, early this week and very much enjoyed it. If you like your paranormal romance with 19th century flair, a trans-masc and gay protagonist, bi love interest, and a heaping dose of found family and cozy heat, I highly recommend you check it out! It has a few rough spots in the editing department, but still highly recommended.

Thank you for sticking with me, dear Reader! Until next time,

Cassandra

June 2022: Writing again!

Dear Reader,

June is coming to a close (oops, a little late!) , and with it brings news terrible and… well, not so terrible?

A week ago, the US Supreme Court struck down Roe vs Wade in a blow to bodily autonomy for everyone, setting the stage for conservative state legislators to start banning gender affirming care, LGBTQIA+ rights removal, the re-instatement of sodomy laws, and more. With that has come the need for me to take steps to ensure I can escape Arizona on short notice should the state follow its reputation as “dry Florida” and pass legislation that would make my existence illegal. Should the worst happen, I’ll be leaving people I care about behind, something I find incredibly difficult to contemplate. Worse, I’ll be leaving behind someone I deeply love and admire, though I know they will tell me to go if that time comes.

Financially, too, things are hard right now. Appointments are throwing my health care costs out of control, my medication costs keep rising, as are utilities (thanks, summer heat) and food costs (fuck making survival necessities for profit industries). My roommate hasn’t had more than 16 work hours a week in a few months, a most often she’s been getting less than 10, so I’ve been shouldering the bulk of the living expenses and my bank account now has an expiration timer on it. Hopefully, once my roommate transfers stores in two weeks she’ll be able to get hours again, but unless she gets nearly full-time hours I don’t know if that will take enough pressure off of me to recover, financially.

BUT

I have been writing! Working a little on a fanfic, but recently I started a novel draft in my notebook at work, after long dickering around with potential outlines. Melody Winter is returning to the page, one of the main characters in what I hope to be a very queer, very heartfelt story about how the people society demonizes find connection and strength in each other. I have no idea how long this book will be (probably long, if my partial outline has anything to say about it), but it will be my first completed novel length manuscript. And I do mean completed. I don’t intend to work on any other long form projects until this draft is done, and only the fanfic (which was a promised gift I am terribly late on) and possibly a story submission for an erotic horror anthology (if this seed of an idea takes root).

Take care, Dear Reader. The world is changing in scary ways. Thank you for reading.

Cassandra

May 2022: The Block

Dear Reader,

I think I’ve figured it out. I think, at last, I understand why I can’t seem to progress stories beyond the concept phase, despite loving characters, or aspects of the world, or the ideas being explored within them.

It’s the suffering.

The core of any story is “the thing that goes wrong”. A character wants something, or has something they want, and something goes wrong, causing the character to suffer. A character who isn’t challenged for their desires, who gets whatever they want without suffering for it, is a character most readers will stop caring about in short order.

And I’m so tired of suffering. There’s so much suffering in the real world. Some of it my own. Some of it of those that I love. Friends and acquaintances and strangers. I see it, feel it every day, sucking my energy away, leaving me staring at my notes asking myself if I can bear to foist suffering on this child of my mind. Most days I can’t.

I think I could be a good writer. I am already fairly competent, and I’ve seen my capacity to improve. Stylistically, the difference between my work from two years ago vs now shows I have and can continue to improve both technically and artistically. So my lack of writing energy doesn’t have anything to do with my skill. I understand where I’m at, know some areas I can improve, have invested in instruction to improve those areas.

Ultimately, I face the question “Why write?” “Why tell stories?” I have no illusions that my weird little niche of queer talking-animal fantasy will ever pay my bills, any bills. What is it that makes my writing valuable enough to me to spend what little of my precious energy remains after struggling for survival on bringing to life characters and worlds that don’t exist and few will encounter? What good comes of writing fiction?

I fear I may be one of those readers who, loving the story worlds others have created, falls in love with the idea of having written such a world and characters, but doesn’t much love the process of writing. Especially the part of the process that takes characters who are good at their core and throws them into their own personal hell.

Maybe I’m afraid that my characters won’t find their way through hell. Maybe I’m afraid that if I break them, they won’t get put back together. Maybe I’m afraid that if they can’t find the light to move towards, neither will I.

And maybe that’s why I need to keep writing. To see my characters pick each other up, put each other back together, and keep moving forward, even into worse hells. Because I can’t help but look at where things are now and think worse is coming.

Take care of each other, dear Readers.

Cassandra

April update: A day late, a streak broken

Dear Reader,

Alas, the streak has come to an end. After getting updates in before the end of the month (barely, occasionally), I slipped, and this update is being written the day after April has come to an end. A very busy, expensive end.

April was *a lot*. There was a lot of paperwork early in the month as I got my new-to-me car tested and registered, and short-term disability and FMLA paperwork from work retrieved. There were insurance questions related to surgery to answer (after much confusion), which thankfully resulted in an answer that means I should be getting surgery in October, after much stressing. There was a beloved partner to take care of as they recovered from surgery of their own, a joy but also a busy task. New friends were made, and new experiences were had that shook my view of who I am and sent me into a new stage of self-discovery. There were difficult dealings with relatives. I marked the passing of another year, missing friends and family.

There was a lot of processing. There was not a lot of writing, beyond that which served processing all these events.

I hope you can forgive me, Dear Reader, for keeping much of these events vague. Much of what happened this past month was deeply personal in nature, and some still on-going. While I may eventually write something detailing some of the more self-illuminating experiences to help others through similar challenges, I don’t yet have answers for myself, let alone feel comfortable attempting to advise others.

Writing is not abandoned, but is extremely difficult. It takes a lot of mental energy, time, and regular schedule for me to be any kind of productive, and I have been short on all three for most of a month. I have decided to sort through my projects, and focus on finishing a project before moving on to the next, starting with the project closest to completion. My hope is that May will be less busy in the “I need to deal with x now” kind of way, so I can carve out that consistent keyboard time.

Until the next update, before the end of the month this time, I wish you well, Dear Reader!

Cassandra

March 2022: Panicked Flailing

Hello, Dear Reader,

March is almost at an end, and I am running full tilt towards the cliff. The past couple of weeks have been insanely busy. Mostly good, kind of scary, totally anxiety inducing busy. Two major events have hijacked my life: acquiring a car, and surgery preparations.

Recently my poor old Honda Civic, of 310k+ miles, sprung an oil leak from the timing cover, something it will cost nearly $1,000 to fix. On top of that, it has been making a slightly scary whine when moving, which could be anything from a wheel bearing going bad to a transmission problem. And this, after dropping almost $3000 in repairs the six months previous. So it was obvious that it was time to find a new vehicle.

Last week, I lucked out, and found someone on Facebook selling a Camry hybrid that was impeccably maintained with less than 200k miles on it that I could sort of afford. A miracle, dear Reader, if you have looked at used car prices lately… After taking a look in person with a car literate friend, I decided to purchase it. And now I’m running around like a woman who has a bunch of car related paperwork and emissions testing to do and not much time to do it.

Additionally, around the same time that I decided I needed to shop for a new vehicle, I got word from my surgeon that I was on the schedule for my vaginoplasty!

On October 29th, 2024…

Obviously not ideal, but that gave me prep time to save, have all my bases covered. The scheduler noted that this would probably get moved up some, as the surgeon was working on getting more OR time from the hospital, and they’d contact me when/if that happened.

So I told work last week. And then got a call from the scheduler shortly after that meeting.

“I have some good news!” the scheduler said. “We got the extra OR time, and I’m calling to reschedule your surgery. We had a cancellation. Would you like a date in May?”

“May?” I asked, thinking that makes my wait a few months shorter.

“Yes,” she says. “I know it’s short notice, so if that doesn’t work, we can find a later date.”

Stunned, I asked “Wait. May, of this year?“

She confirms, and it is way to short notice for me, so I decline. And then keep getting offered dates this year.

And so, after all that, I will be having surgery on October 10th, 2022. Roughly six months from now.

Assuming insurance aren’t complete jerks about it. Unfortunately, I did just have to buy a car, so my savings is in a pretty sorry state. Keep an eye out, because I’m going to be launching a GoFundMe to help raise some of the money for surgery and living expenses while I’m out of work.

Hope the spring rewards you with abundant joy, dear Reader!

Until next time!
Cassie

February 2022: COVID Strikes Back

Hello, Dear Readers,

February has been a trial. I spent most of the past month desperately trying to both avoid catching COVID from my roommate and to avoid risking anyone else catching anything from me if I picked it up without knowing. Between that, and working overtime as much as possible to make up for the loss of my roommate’s income, my capacity to do much of anything beyond work and sleep has been seriously impaired.

The trend of canceled plans from last month continues, as well. Again, largely due to COVID and similar health concerns, with a dash of some sort of cold bug running around.

None of this has been particularly good for my mental health, especially with the unexpected and extended absence of touch from loved ones. I had a couple of days where I had to just shut down for a few hours and cry to cope with the stress and depression.

Things are (slowly) getting better. My roommate’s job is paying her 40 hours of sick pay for her time off sick. I won’t be working overtime until the end of next month at the earliest, and though finances won’t be great, I’ll manage.

Even better, I seem to have dodged the COVID entirely. I can finally be social again, and I need it badly. But the spectre of the canceled plans of the last two months looms large in my mind, stalking the shadows of my mind, waiting for hope to peek out of its hole so it can pounce and shred my hopes to pieces.

So I haven’t done much of anything, writing-wise. This blog post is the most writing I’ve done this month, and it’s discouraging. I’ve done a little reading, but not even much of that really. Audiobooks at work have been the majority of my story exposure.

But! March is a new month! And I managed to write this, so I haven’t entirely lost my drive to write.

If you are still with me, thank you for your patience. I certainly haven’t been happy with my output of stories, and that’s something I intend to change.

Gratefully,

Cassandra